mallacht Chromail ort

Oliver Cromwell - just doing his job or genocidal maniac?

Everton 2:0 Liverpool 17th October 2010

Everton 2 Liverpool 0, Everton 11th Liverpool 19th - enough Said!

Facts Dont Lie

To be honest on holiday at my brothers house the morning after the Everton game, Boddingtons Fest' and a Fry I weighed myself and I was 15st 7lb. I asked my sister in law are you bathroom scales correct? We came back to Bahrain bought new bathroom scales I was 14st 12lb. I started following the "Dine Out and Lose Weight" book, no cheating, I actually did. I am now into my eighth week and my weight is now 13st 12lb. I am having to eat my own words, the bloody diet is working!

Déjà vu

Having just re read my Blog from August/September 2009 I am still the same weight! The Fat Builder Diet has not worked, radical thinking is required the Ulster Fry and Boddingtons might have to be curtailed. So I have dusted off the book I was given a year ago and decided to stick to it word for word - no cheating. I am currently in Phase 1, which means no Carbohydrate and no beer I have toyed with the idea of burning the book.

Rights of Passage

Rites of Passage have been the birthright of young people since the dawn of time. Nearly all tribal cultures provide their young with an opportunity to seek their own vision and enter into adulthood with a spiritual connection to the Universe.

The Everton Tribe is unique in its denial of such Rites. You must suffer just like your father, his father and his father before that!

During our holidays I took my nine year old son to Goodison Park to watch Everton just as my father had done.

As the kick off approached my son leaned over and said "dad I am so excited I don't care if we Win, Lose or Draw".

Another Evertonian is born!

Scientific Experiment

I have completed a three week exhaustive survey of Ulster Fries and Slabs of Boddingtons and have reached the conclusion that you turn into a bloater.

Tea & Coffee in Saudi Arabia

In Saudi it is a peculiar fact that when you ask for a Tea or Coffee - that is exactly what you get. The only other variation is sugar which inevitably, because of the language barrier, means you get brown sugary water! Basically tea and coffee is taken black with loads of sugar!

Tea is not Tetley or PG they have the full range including flavoured Tea.
Coffee is another matter, if you don't want to sleep for a week, have a Turkish or a local coffee, believe you me Saudi is a place where you want to sleep, it helps pass the time!
Tea/Coffee is a very social thing - its big chats, back slapping, lots of raucous laughter, hand slapping and worry bead rotating.
So if you don't want to cause offence take what comes you way despite what you have asked for, hold you nose and drink it.
When in Saudi I drink water - it helps me sleep!

Executive Restaurant Jeddah Style

Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner!

In the Same place

The Weetabix Boat

It is an unremarkable fact that “Weetabix” is unavailable in Bahrain.
Living on an Island you come to accept that from time to time somethings just run out. The Weetabix boat has still not arrived!

In Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, I have found a Weetabix Mountain!
No one must eat it here or are the traders waiting for what they call "the right price".
Big Fat Cat Futures Managers dealing in Weetabix!
No.
Weetabix is a pretty boring cereal if you are a kid.
However as we have a diabetic in the family all sugary cereals are banned hence we eat Weetabix.
"All Bran" is probably the only other acceptable cereal. However that's like eating straw!
My theory is, in Saudi the children are so badly spoilt they have become addicted to sugar, in Jeddah more so, because of the influence from Africa. So the little darlings will not eat Weetabix hence the Weetabix Mountain. QED.
Either that or they make it here!

Jeddah Toilet Etiquette

When it's time to go, you have to go!
So when you are faced with a Toilet that resembles a battlefield or looks like someone has had a shower in it, it can be quite disconcerting. What do they actually do in there?

A Muslim must first find an acceptable place away from standing water, or people's pathways or shade. They are advised it is better to enter the area with the left foot.
While on the toilet, one must remain silent. Talking, answering greetings or greeting others is strongly discouraged. When defecating together, two men cannot converse, nor look at each other's private parts, and especially not handle each other's private parts. A man should not touch his private parts with the right hand.
The Prophet has specified one should use an odd number of stones (preferably three) to cleanse the anal orifice after defecation and then proceed to a different location to wash it with water. Use of toilet paper in place of stones is now acceptable, but washing with water is still needed for ritual purity. When leaving the toilet, one is advised to leave with the right foot, and also say a prayer - "Praise be to Allah who relieved me of the filth and gave me relief".

So that's what they are doing!
I thought they just could not aim the anal spray!

Communication

How to speak Arabic, French, Lebanese, Hindi, Urdu and Bangladeshi?
British answer: Shout!
When they don’t understand?
British answer: Shout Louder!
My company is based in South Africa and has entered into joint venture with a Saudi Arabian Company. CEOs, irrespective of nationality, all speak the same language.
But at the sharp end, actually delivering the project, no one speaks the same language.
Our JV partner has its roots in the Lebanon so we have Arabic and French speakers. The field engineers are Indian and Pakistani. The tea boy is Bangladeshi.
In all cases English is not even their second language.
However with my little Hindi I am able to get Tea & Water.
It has been a quite day at work!
In the evening the Catering staff in the Camp are all Filipino so its down to pointing!

Bachelor Camp Recreation

Recreation is a serious business and scheduling when each Nationality can swim is not to be taken lightly!

The Red Sea

I am in Jeddah so what can you do? Not very much at all! So a stroll down to the Red Sea should do it. In this instance the Red Sea happens to be the largest shopping centre in Jeddah. Nothing here is straight forward or as it seems!


As I walk up to the shopping centre I notice groups of men sitting around the water features and landscaped areas outside. When I get to the entrance I see burly security guards and walk into Narnia.
TCN (Third Country Nationals) and young local Saudi men are not allowed in at night because "women" go out in the evening!!!!
As I look around at every imaginable shop - Jewelry, Clothes, Designer labels, Electric etc including lingerie. I can not help question the morality of covering up (Abiya & Veil), keeping people apart (Married - Single)- then having short dresses, skirts, plunging necklines, very nice lingerie all on clear display!!!!!!
Then the call to prayer......fifteen minutes later all the shops are closed. I expected to see all the faithful rush off - however indifference to religion seems to be worldwide!

Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, Bachelor Camp

Building 191 - Room 13 - you have got to be kidding me!
It was hot and humid and I was taken along to a functional clean room in a prefabricated block.
After the door was closed and the very helpful house keeper left(labourer in a blue boiler suit) my eyes where attracted to the welcome sign, the can of Pif Paf and the air freshener!

After leaving off my bag thinking O.M.G. I am going to be eaten alive. I was then taken to see the camp boss and given my food vouchers and shown the restaurant where I could eat!
On the camp they have restaurants for Labourers & Craftsmen - split into nationalities (Indian, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Philippines); Engineers - split into nationalities; Senior Managers - split into nationalities (including European & Lebanese); then executives.
The Cadre Executive Restaurant is three bolted together portacabins with no Windows. Tables and chairs and a serving counter. The tables have table cloths, place mats and coasters all covered in heavy duty clear plastic sheeting - easy cleaning or messy eaters?
Walking back from the restaurant I was given to think "was this what prison was like?" - rows of accommodation blocks sitting behind high walls and men wandering about with nothing to do - O.M.G. do they put something in the food to keep their libido down! If so what have I just eaten!!!

Jeddah Umrah Flight

Life has been a bit unpredictable over the last few months. My company has taken the "New Markets" approach to finding work. Hence over the last month I have been to Dammam, Riyadh and Jeddah.
Success comes in many shapes and sizes and this one came as a 750 meter long tunnel under the runway and taxiway at Jeddah Airport.
As the contract is still at an early stage I am traveling between Jeddah and Bahrain.
Today was my first Umrah Flight!
All the pilgrims on the flight dress in towels or sheets,only. In the words of Sir David Attenborough as he stood on a huge mound of bat droppings outside a South American cave "the smell is......... indescribable".

Upon arrival the Passport Control becomes a battle field! Its everyone for themselves - note this is not just applicable to the Muslim faith - did we not all see the fist fights in Bethlehem at Christmas!
Finally I get through and the friendly driver is waiting for me "Sir was a very long time" yes it was busy "not traveling business Sir" no down the back "Bloody Zoo Sir".
Onto the office which is just closing up - sorry Sir, no accommodation at the Sheraton, you are in the Bachelor Camp!

Valentines Day

Bullying

My eldest daughter tells me she's being bullied at school. At break time she hides in a locked toilet cubicle reading a book and eating her snack because if she goes out a bully is calling her unkind names. Of course she will not tell me who the bully is.
I have great experience of bullying for I was bullied at my Catholic Boys School, by a bunch of gents who now reside 'for the rest of their natural lives' behind the walls of Waltham prison.
I have advised my sweet little daughter to punch fast and hard into the bully's face, and to scream like banshee while she's doing it. I've told her to attract as much attention as possible and to keep punching and screeching until a teacher intervenes.
And when my princess and I are summoned into the school we will back her up 100%
"But she's bigger than me."
I told her: It's not the size the weapon which counts, but the ferocity of the attack.

William Tell

This is my son's favourite story - the story of how William Tell shot an apple from his son, Walter's, head.
It was the 14th century. Switzerland was invaded by Austria. The invading Austrian governor put his hat on a pole and insisted the Swiss people bow down to the hat. William Tell refused. The governor was incensed. He decreed that William shoot an apple from the top of Walter's head or both dad and the boy would executed.
William took two arrows from his quiver, tucked one in his belt, and shot the apple cleanly.
He said, "Well done Walter, for standing so perfectly still."
"But I knew you wouldn't miss, dad."
The governor asked: "Why did you take two arrows from your quiver?"
And William's thrilling answer?
"If I had killed my son, this arrow was for you."

Great Britons

Q. What do this unlikely pair have in common?
A. Both feature on a 2002 poll of Great Britons.
Boy George, a gay singer, ranked higher than Douglas Bader, ace fighter pilot and war hero who lost the bottom half of both legs in a flying accident and flew on with artifical legs fitted.

Sherlock Holmes

Flash bang wallop what a picture!
Bloody marvellous, rip roaring entertainment. I liked it as much as Butch Cassidy & The Sun Dance Kid – apparently all critics agree. But I am not a critic so I'd say Dick Van Dyke or Captain Black Adder for comparisons!
Robert Downey Jr is great for no other reason than I liked him in Tropical Thunder and Iron Man. (Why did he do Ally Mc Beal?)
And this is Jude Law's best action film since Enemy at the Gate.
Quick question - Can anyone tell me, apart from having rockets fitted anally, how they got from the Houses of Parliament to Tower Bridge in less than one minute?

Fizzy Beer

Just Say No!
I had six bottles of San Miguel last night, spread over a six hour period. When I got home from the pub my princess complained that I could not open my mouth but a beery belch burst forth. Then as the beer moved down through my body, it began to explode from my bottom with great perfumed farts which disgusted her more.
She said, "If I lit a match in this room the air would explode around us! Please say Excuse Me! Better still get out of the bed and sleep on the sofa. "
Except I couldn't get out of the bed. The cramps in my thighs were unbearable.
"Here love," I said, "Rub my legs. I'm suffering from horrible cramps."
In the end she got up and slept on the sofa and left me to suffer alone.
She said, "You've made your bed, you can lie in it. But I'm not lying in it with you."