Steak

Here's something I don't understand. Why do supermarkets sell bright red steak? It costs a fortune, it's tough, and it sticks between your teeth. If you can get it swallowed at all, you're in serious danger of choking!

I searched the meat counters yesterday for mature and tender steak - steak and salad is one of the few tasty pleasures I'm allowed on my diet -and every single bit of it was a dazzling red. I was almost in despair till I stopped at the Reduced to Clear fridge - and found a perfect ribeye, half price and matured to dark muddy brown.

It melted in my mouth when I ate it.

Buffet

Last week I did all the family cooking when my princess was away. I made porridge and soup and stews and casseroles. And finally I understood why the princess is so slender - when you stand cooking over a hot stove every day, breathing in cooking smells, you've no interest in eating afterwards...
So now I've dropped to 95Kg and we went out for brunch to celebrate.
What a mistake to choose a buffet! All the food choices went to my head! There was a big breakfast fry up, but also meat and two veg, or curry and rice, or cold meat and salad. There was bread and butter pudding, and a cheese board, and tea and buns.
I felt my forehead break out in sweat. My breathing seemed to get shallow.
"Steady on!" said my princess. "Remember the rules in the diet book. About eating only protein and ..."
But I couldn't really hear her, I was too busy piling up food on my plate: pork sausages, steak and kidney pie, mashed potato, roast potatoes, gravy. And a helping of tikka masala on the side. She watched me from the omelette station. I saw her shaking her head. I noticed she was thinnest person at the buffet. And the only person asking for omelette.

She's Back

My princess is home again. Hurrah! Normal service to resume as soon as the ringing leaves my ears.

Stress

They say stress can work in two ways - you get fat or you get thin. Comfort eat, or can't swallow. I think I know already what's going to happen to me. My princess has gone away on business, leaving me in charge of the house, four kids and a dog. I've just taken her to the airport. I won't see her again for a week. I notice she's forgotten her phone, I wonder did she do that on purpose?

Alternative Ways to Keep Fit #2

Why are these little girls so much better at egg and spoon race than me?

Alternative Ways to Keep Fit

I am well again! And 4Kg lighter, but would not recommend vomiting, diarrhea, and dehydration as a means of losing weight.

Instead I would urge all fat builders to come live with my princess. Nothing smutty, no touching, just follow her round for a couple of days. And try to keep up. (I watched her from the safe haven of my sick bed).

She's self employed and works from home - her office is at the top of the house. It's 44 stairs, and she's up and down them at least once every half hour to answer the door, or the phone, to cook lunch and dinner and check what's cooking.

Also, she walks the dog, chases the children, rides a horse, wrestles with laundry, scrubs the bathroom, makes beds, brushes and mops, every single day. Yes, every single day! I feel tired just thinking about it.

She said, "Are you well enough to cut the grass? Or will I do that too?"

Full of ?

I am not a well man. I spent most of last night on the toilet. In a clammy sweat with stomach cramps. And the rest. I blame the organic brown basmati rice my princess gave me for dinner, with her famous lamb and butter beans casserole. Usually I eat the casserole with a big chunk of crusty white bread, and wash it down with a pint, but the diet book says white bread makes you fat and extra fibre is good for you. I'm not disputing the benefits of fibre - but maybe I had too much, too soon, for all night I thought I was dying.
My princess was unsympathetic.
"People pay good money for colonic irrigation," she told me.

Thanks God

I've read a bit more of my diet book - and I quote:
Here are a few examples of items you can buy for your snack box at the office -
Dry sausage (aka boerwors).
Hurrah!

Dine Out and Lose Weight

Many thanks to the lovely Kate who has recommended this book. I've had a read and, by the cringe, did you know that 'one does not put on weight by eating too much, but by eating badly'?
All my bad eating habits (boerwors and white bread sandwiches, washed down with pints of beer) have wrecked my pancreas which is now belching out far too much insulin, like a car with a faulty exhaust.
The extra insulin goes mad digesting the fat in my diet, as well as the carbohydrate, and storing it in my 40" spare tyre.
Hey presto - one fat builder!
So what I've got to do is renovate my pancreas by re-educating my taste buds.
No more white bread sandwiches and butter. No more beer.
It doesn't say any thing about boerwors, but I'm sure it's no more boerwors too.
For the time being.

Maturity

I have come to terms with the fact I weigh 100Kg. And my waist is no longer 33".
Bloke in the gentleman's outfitter's shop said "40" sir", and I didn't argue with him. I tried on the pair of trousers he handed me. The curious thing is - I look thinner already, and in better shape wearing trousers that fit.
My princess has offered to cut out the label saying 40" wide and sew in one saying 33" - she thinks it will improve my mood, but now my tummy is no longer painfully squashed, I'm in a better mood already.

100kg

I told a little white lie when I wrote about my first trip to the gym. I said I weighed myself and nobody laughed. This is not true. What happened was I weighed myself, and I was so shocked by how much I weighed I started to laugh. Maniacally. For it was obviously some sort of joke. There was no way I weighed 100 Kg. The machine was broken, no doubt about it.
Except there is no doubt about it. I've now weighed myself on two different machines and I'm still weighing 100 Kg.

Gym

Today I joined the gym. It was all right. There were other fat blokes in there too. A couple were even fatter than me. Everybody was sweating. No one was making eye contact. I weighed myself on the scales, and nobody laughed.
I took it easy for it's been a while - rowed for 20 minutes, ran on the treadmill for 10.
Then I weighed myself again. Still weighed the same.

Broken Man

I am a broken man. Running around in 40 degrees, in a skin tight rugby jersey, carrying an extra couple of stone - what was I thinking? I could have had a heart attack, or a stroke. So exhausted after the game I couldn't even face a beer. Woke up in the middle of the night with cramp in my leg. Woke up this morning with gout in my foot.
If I was horse they'd shoot me.
I'm going to have to get fit in an air conditioned environment. I'm going to have to join a gym.

Rugby

Just off to play a game of rugby. Has this rugby jersey shrunk? I'm sure it fitted the last time I wore it.