Valentines Day

Bullying

My eldest daughter tells me she's being bullied at school. At break time she hides in a locked toilet cubicle reading a book and eating her snack because if she goes out a bully is calling her unkind names. Of course she will not tell me who the bully is.
I have great experience of bullying for I was bullied at my Catholic Boys School, by a bunch of gents who now reside 'for the rest of their natural lives' behind the walls of Waltham prison.
I have advised my sweet little daughter to punch fast and hard into the bully's face, and to scream like banshee while she's doing it. I've told her to attract as much attention as possible and to keep punching and screeching until a teacher intervenes.
And when my princess and I are summoned into the school we will back her up 100%
"But she's bigger than me."
I told her: It's not the size the weapon which counts, but the ferocity of the attack.

William Tell

This is my son's favourite story - the story of how William Tell shot an apple from his son, Walter's, head.
It was the 14th century. Switzerland was invaded by Austria. The invading Austrian governor put his hat on a pole and insisted the Swiss people bow down to the hat. William Tell refused. The governor was incensed. He decreed that William shoot an apple from the top of Walter's head or both dad and the boy would executed.
William took two arrows from his quiver, tucked one in his belt, and shot the apple cleanly.
He said, "Well done Walter, for standing so perfectly still."
"But I knew you wouldn't miss, dad."
The governor asked: "Why did you take two arrows from your quiver?"
And William's thrilling answer?
"If I had killed my son, this arrow was for you."

Great Britons

Q. What do this unlikely pair have in common?
A. Both feature on a 2002 poll of Great Britons.
Boy George, a gay singer, ranked higher than Douglas Bader, ace fighter pilot and war hero who lost the bottom half of both legs in a flying accident and flew on with artifical legs fitted.

Sherlock Holmes

Flash bang wallop what a picture!
Bloody marvellous, rip roaring entertainment. I liked it as much as Butch Cassidy & The Sun Dance Kid – apparently all critics agree. But I am not a critic so I'd say Dick Van Dyke or Captain Black Adder for comparisons!
Robert Downey Jr is great for no other reason than I liked him in Tropical Thunder and Iron Man. (Why did he do Ally Mc Beal?)
And this is Jude Law's best action film since Enemy at the Gate.
Quick question - Can anyone tell me, apart from having rockets fitted anally, how they got from the Houses of Parliament to Tower Bridge in less than one minute?

Fizzy Beer

Just Say No!
I had six bottles of San Miguel last night, spread over a six hour period. When I got home from the pub my princess complained that I could not open my mouth but a beery belch burst forth. Then as the beer moved down through my body, it began to explode from my bottom with great perfumed farts which disgusted her more.
She said, "If I lit a match in this room the air would explode around us! Please say Excuse Me! Better still get out of the bed and sleep on the sofa. "
Except I couldn't get out of the bed. The cramps in my thighs were unbearable.
"Here love," I said, "Rub my legs. I'm suffering from horrible cramps."
In the end she got up and slept on the sofa and left me to suffer alone.
She said, "You've made your bed, you can lie in it. But I'm not lying in it with you."

Wahoo!

In an effort to work off the festive excess I took the children to Wahoo! - an indoor waterpark here in Bahrain. Most people don't realise the Middle East can get very cold in winter. (Today it has dropped below 20, and I'm wearing a long sleeved t-shirt). Wahoo! is built on the top of a shopping centre so my princess left me in charge while she checked out the winter sales. There were allot of lone dads in the water with their kids and I'm happy to report there were fatter dads than me!